I Fucking Hate You

And Blah

2009-09-29T19:11:00.003+10:00

Today was just a shitter of a day.

I havent had a cigarette in 3 days and so im a little on edge. Quitting is a pain in the arse.

Anyway. Fuck it.

I was going to post something mildly entertaining, but ive lost the link, so i guess this whole thing was pointless... wasnt it?

I'm Baaaaack

2009-09-21T14:03:00.000+10:00

It has been a rather frustrating 2 days. I am quitting smoking. This isn't so much of a difficulty because i went the losers way out and got medication. They make me nauseous. I survive though. I think it is mainly the work.

Things wear on you here. The people i work with are mentally deficient. They appear to have been labotomised to a degree. Mindless drones wandering around this pathetic office wasteland. I try to find something interesting to do here however the work bores me to no end. So, I must resort to evil thoughts.

For instance:

Q. What would happen is a cadre of psychotic chimps invaded my bosses office?

A. I'm thinking monkey rape or monkey beating. Possibly both. Either way i win!

Q. Would people be perturbed if i walked around the office and slapped myself in the face occasionally?

A. Possibly, although this is unlikely as they have a higher chance of being brain dead drones who probably play with their own faeces in the evening all whilst singing redundant East 17 tunes.

I have been using the offices stationary facilities to bind my resume and the Masterchef cookbook that got emailed to me. I have also pilfered several notebooks and staplers. Staplers are great throwing implements. The only thing they don't supply are Parker Pen refills. I do have a boot-load of them though, so they are not a necessity. I enjoy using Parker Pens, they make me feel like a self important fuck.

I am now looking at a load of shit pinned to my wall. Some are things i need to do. Some are things that i have already done. Some are things that i don't care to do ever again. I am pondering never doing anything again and having a Fight Club moment. I'll wait until i leave this job before i go absolutely insane though. Nothing worse than leaving a job, having nothing to go to, and then sitting on the couch for the next six months playing Batman and drinking warm beer because you have lost the will to get up off the couch to get a cold one out of the refrigerator. All whilst your toenails grow long and yellow and your hair has some sort of fly colony building a fort on your skull. I do not think that scenario would be ideal. Perhaps ideal if i lived in a commune.

So, yeah... I am back.

Observational Stupidity

2008-04-18T15:34:00.001+10:00

So i'm sick.

I have the flu and its fucking me up and around a flagpole and leaving me bleeding on the side of the road.

OK maybe not that bad.

I still feel violated though. I knew i should have got that flu shot when it was offered. Alas, here i am, at work feeling like total crap with a mountain of paperwork sitting in front of me. It has made my back ache. The only thing that may make me feel somewhat better is going home and sitting in front of the television watching crap and eating soup.

Something stupid i did observe though, when i masturbated last evening, all the crap from having the flu went away for at least a couple hours. It at least allowed me to have a good nights sleep and i did feel relieved afterwards. Although that was something i expected anyway. Hence the reason for doing it.

I notice absolute rubbish that seems significant to me but after some time, i realise it means absolutely nothing. I am indeed a silly individual.

Hrmm

2008-04-14T13:57:00.001+10:00

Perhaps it's just me, but tanned Russians just look weird...

In Breaking News - I Still Exist

2008-03-29T10:33:00.004+11:00

Yep.

I'm still here. This job that i am on now is almost finished. I'll be happy to leave it when it's done. They may move me to some backwater for my next job, but anything is better than this place. That backwater is more than likely going to be Canberra. Fireworks and porn for all (well no more fireworks). Porn is available freely on the net. So i guess any attraction that Canberra actually had has dissipated into the steaming pile of shit that is our nations capital.

Regardless, it's better than here.

I found out that i have some form of intolerance to lactose. Not a sever intolerance, but an intolerance nonetheless. It's irritating cause i like eating cheese and stuff, but does the pain after eating it offset the taste and enjoyment of the dairy? It's something i'll have to weigh up. I know i'll keep eating it cause im a stubborn fuckwit.

The engineer at work has his radio going on at full blast and it is really annoying the fucking piss out of me. If i were a violent human i'd probably shove it up his arse. Wait, is shoving something up his arse violent, or just kinky? There's a frightening prospect. The guy may actually enjoy it..... *shudder* It's all hard and pointy.

Fuck that...

Oh yeah, that's a couple of pictures of what we are doing below...

Meh and Plah

2008-02-13T15:32:00.001+11:00

I am so over things lately. Too many ass hats at work have removed any fun left in this job. It'd be great if it weren't for the employees. Unfortunately i am no entrepreneur and am not loaded enough to tell every person that works here to kiss my bollocks and fook off. So i will live with the crap as i get paid.

At least it's somewhat better than my last job.

Meh, over it.

Disturbing Arnie

2008-01-12T10:08:00.000+11:00

Why wouldnt you want Arnold Schwarzenneger governing your state. This is campaign material right here.

Elmo's A Fucking Player

2007-11-28T15:30:00.001+11:00

Mole + Skank = Paris

2007-11-19T14:47:00.001+11:00

Paris, bless her, has another sex tape. This time she's cavorting in a spa of some sort. There are plenty of bubbles etc. You'd figure she would have got the hint the first time, you know, maybe think "Mmmm its a retarded idea to film myself getting nailed, i don't think I'll do it". But no! Clearly Tinkerbell is the smarter of the couple in this relationship. Sure she may get dressed up in stupid dog clothes that look like they torture the poor animal, but i bet deep inside, that little chihuahua is laughing its Mexican arse off at the gringo.

Maybe it was an i can out do you type of moment. My sex tape is better than yours, Kardashian. No Paris. your sex tape is not better than Kardashians. For one, Kardashian doesn't look like shes fallen off a skyscraper into a tub of sulphuric acid. And i wont be the first to admit this, but Kardashian looks like a woman. Curves in all the right places, and she looks just exotic. Hell I'd even tape myself fucking her. And sure she's vapid and pathetic, but hell, so am i, and so is Paris, so that argument has been neutralised.

I have a distinct hatred for pointless celebrities, so when things like this happen, it restores my faith. It gives me a light hearted day in this cesspool of menial labour. It distracts me from elections that are going to be held next week which will royally fuck up my job because the Labour Party will win and the unions will control construction sites and it will just make everything difficult. A question was raised the other day as to what i would do if the unions won. I said i'd quit my job, move to Canada and become an Ice Road Trucker. OK so i may not become an Ice Road Trucker but Canada seems like a nice place to be. I'm thinking BC.

Definitely not Quebec. Fucking weirdos there.

Technorati Tags: paris hilton, kim kardashian, sex tape, Canada, unions, Australian elections, chihuahua

Boredom Etc

2007-11-14T13:46:00.001+11:00

Yes i know i havent been around. There's probably a good reason for it, but i'm not bothered remembering it so i'll just have to make do with, "I was too tired". Kind of like what a woman says to me when i want carnal relations.

These days i just go home and watch "Scrubs" or some dodgy anime that has been poorly encoded on a crappy website. I guess i am parched for quality entertainment and the chances of me finding it anywhere are slim. On the other hand i go overseas in approximately 1 month so that should quench my thirst for anything that may remotely give me a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

I have fervently been downloading every single Mozilla Firefox extension i can find so that i can turn my browsing experience into a deathly maze of blocked popup warnings and regular browser crashes. Firefox is now Jack Nicholson in "The Shining". Normal, until he lives in my computer. I wonder if blood will ooze out of the dvd drive.

Occasionally i get the urge to give everyone papercuts, because im that sort of asshole.

Technorati Tags: late, stupid, bored, crap, weird

Blah

2007-10-16T10:00:00.000+10:00

Yes i know the blog has lost all its formatting. Hosting company for my CSS went to the sit. I'll be sorting this out soon.

Meh

2007-09-21T13:07:00.000+10:00

Sorry about the lack of any meaningful posts recently. Work has been flat out and it is irritating me...

Leave Britney Alone!!

2007-09-12T21:39:00.000+10:00

It's videos like this that make me weep for the human race. In between laughing hysterically of course.

Sweet Jesus.

Luciano Pavarotti: 1935 - 2007

2007-09-06T16:13:00.000+10:00

May whatever is up there in this afterlife bless you for bringing so much beauty to this world...

Peddling Ass

2007-08-13T21:17:00.000+10:00

I realised this morning that i care less about things. It's not because i shouldnt care about them. Lord knows i should. But my distinct lack of empathy is really starting to worry some people. They might perceive me to be a sociopath, which i am not. I hate people, but not that much. I do prefer animals though. At least they dont force their conscience to disagree with something that they otherwise would condone.

After drinking this weekend, a group of friends, men and women, tried to convince me to be a he-bitch, a man whore, a midnight cowboy.Whilst the thought, initially seemed appealing, i couldnt help but think of the decrepid wretches i would have to satisfy. I am not one to have sex with women who are far too old to know what to do with their money. Sure, semi young professionals who are bored at home might be fun, even the so called yummy mummy, but dried up figs are not exactly my idea of a great night out. Sure the money might be great, but money is something i can get without having to resort to that. Still, they persist. It's not an uncommon discussion when it comes to my life. Perhaps i just hang around a strange circle of people. Or perhaps i let off that aroma of exchanging sex for money, whatever that aroma may be.

I hate salespeople. They persistently peddle their crap around here. If a salesperson doesnt come in at least once a day, then i have a good day. Alas, those days are few and far between. So, far from being deterred by my pissed off demeanour and mountains of paperwork flung around the office, they insist that just 1 minute of my time, which ends up being an hour. Which in turn means i will not touch their company with a ten foot dildo because they have annoyed me for an extended period of time. And its persistant annoyances. Buy this, try this, we can do good prices for this. Can you do a good price for serious reconstructive surgery after i pummel your face with a pallet of reinforced concrete? Didnt think so.

I should get the steelfixer to bend them over a table and roger them.

I Smell Irritants

2007-07-19T12:14:00.000+10:00

I hate today. It started off fine and it just went downhill after i figured out i have to make needless trips because of other people fucking up royally.

I'm just pissed that this wasn't resolved well over 2 weeks ago when it should have been and there wouldn't have been an issue over anything. Alas, it's all fucked and i can smell me taking the brunt of the said stupidity with a bent over table style reaming.

Guess I'll have to deal with it. They don't pay me enough to deal with other peoples fuck ups. I would have liked to have had a free day where i could get some work done but alas that's not the case today or tomorrow. Just a major pain in the ass.

I find film people questionable. Today i went and visited some so called “film people”. They were irritating. The man walked out in shorts, singlet and no shoes (yay professionalism!), and the woman looked like a cat lady. I half expected them to offer me a doobie while singing kum-ba-ya around a convenient bonfire they had lit in the back of their office/home. At least they were more interesting than the twits with no humour who pepper my phone with nuisance calls.

Is it just me, or does the “Red Ring Of Death” as described by XBOX 360 owners conjure an image of a mutant strain of hemorrhoid ready to wreak havoc on our once humble society?

Al Gore is a hypocritical son of a bitch. Just in case you didn't know.

Awwww

2007-07-13T12:27:00.000+10:00

OK, so i know everyone has probably already seen this, but because i love all dogs, i had to post it otherwise it would be going against every fibre of my being.

Awwww.

I want Heart-kun :D

Will It Blend

2007-07-12T12:48:00.000+10:00

Weep, Mac weenies.

For more blending fun got to Will It Blend

Oddly Enough

2007-07-03T14:06:00.001+10:00

Current odd obsessions are Christina Ricci & Thora Birch.

Ze End

In The Interest Of Public Safety

2007-06-30T11:02:00.000+10:00

The days just keep getting longer and longer. I work Saturdays now, so what was once left of my 2 day weekend has been obliterated. I am grossly unhealthy. Not digracefully obese, although i am sure i will get there eventually, just unhealthy. I smoke, I drink, I eat maybe once a day if i am lucky. Yet i still manage to look reasonably ok, on the outside at least. Who knows what horrifying things are happing to the internals of my body. See no evil i guess.

I am taking home work this weekend. Yay for me. Of course i dont get paid for this privilege, but what can ya do. I'll manage i guess.

The Iphone was released today or yesterday, depending on your time zone. I can't wait to see this thing on Will It Blend. No doubt if an Ipod blends, then the Iphone will have to blend. If it can withstand the blender of doom, then i will say it is truly an amazing phone. King of kings, etc etc. Or is Steve Jobs the King of kings? He looks a little like Satan to me. But who am i to judge.I just want them to blend the fucker.

In other new, aren't people sick of bombs yet? I mean sure on Mythbusters its cool, but blowing up cars in the middle of the city is just getting tiring. I think, instead of explosions and maiming, all you weirdo terrorists out there should embrace that Sony ad where they shoot tonnes of paint into the sky and colour everything in rainbow. Wouldnt that be far more interesting?

Deliberation

2007-06-27T14:38:00.000+10:00

After much thought and sleepless nights (hah!), i have concluded that i really should write shit on here more often.

This is for no reason other than to bitch and moan about everything and everyone. Having said that, I have no reason to bitch currently. I'm sure i will when i get home though.

Thoughts For The Day

2007-06-13T11:51:00.000+10:00

What am i to do with all this silence
That girl has really long legs
She must be cold in that mini skirt
The homeless man smells awkwardly pleasant
The yum cha ladies look bored
This band sounds too much like The Cure for me to like them
I wonder when how long it will take me to get sick of my job
People are giving up their babies like i give up the will to live
People need to give up guns and resort more to fists
When old people struggle to walk properly, it makes me sad
I dont care about rugby league, even though everyone else does
I have an old coffee cup in my car that i should throw away, but i dont want to
I'll live with the consequences if i fucked up
Everyone sends me text messages at the most inappropriate time
The two girls that work int he coffee shop i went to today are cute, even though i know they are paid to be polite
I'm writing this in my car, its getting dark and i dont want to get out because i am comfortable
I do lots of favours for lots of people
A black cat just walked across the road, can you be unlucky twice?
Hazard lights are irritating
Only one of my headlights works, i should fix that
Most young people make fun of Queen Elizabeth, i think she is a nice lady
The hosts on Triple J are very very irritating
Once i was a commie, now i just suck

Fall In Light

2007-06-08T10:24:00.000+10:00

I know i havent posted much. Many reasons. None too important. Much about my life is unimportant. It doesn't require any analysis or hyperbole. I go to work, i come home, i eat, i sleep, occasionally i play guitar. There is reason for this self analysis.

10 years have passed. It seems like time has flown. I haven't been able to bring myself to write about the great sorrow i have felt since the 29th of May. 11 days. 11 long days. I was a young kid, in a strange strange land. I was young, headstrong, stupid. You told me things that have stayed with me since. Where people said to stop being so silly and that I live my head in the clouds, you told me that the clouds are the best place to be. The clouds are freedom. Where people said that i wasnt good enough, you taught me that that is what mediocre people say to stifle a burning star. Where people claimed that life was a struggle and is a tough trade, you taught me that nothing is a struggle if you love what you do.

My oh my how i miss you my friend. This world could not endure your fire, and so it was taken from us.

I miss you more than any words can ever explain, and can only take comfort in recordings, in photos, and in the faint hope that one day, i may see you again in another life where you may have new lessons to teach and renewed passion to inspire.

"Grace is what matters. In anything. Especially life, especially growth, tragedy, pain, love, death. About people, that's what matters. That's a quality I admire very greatly. It keeps you from reaching for the gun too quickly; it keeps you from destroying things too foolishly; it sort of keeps you alive and keeps you open for more understanding." - Jeff Buckley

Joost & Stuff

2007-05-30T20:41:00.000+10:00

Ok. So if someone wants to give me a Joost invite, i will love you long long time...

***EDIT*** I now have a Joost account!! Woo!!

Why I Like My Job

2007-05-09T22:36:00.000+10:00

Just when you thought things could get boring at work, you come across a big stainless steel dildo and it makes you laugh for the rest of the day.

Its not a dildo. Its just a big ass screw heh

Jesus Stole My Vespa

2007-04-26T20:38:00.000+10:00

Well, he would steal it if i had one. I dont though. I dont want one. I want a cruiser. Triumph preferably.

My brain is hurty. I promised myself i would never bring work home with me, yet here i am, with a stack of paperwork beside me. Yet another promise i failed to keep.

I got rid of all the numbers in my phone from people that don't contact me. I still have the numbers of the people that read this though. Even though some were questionably kept. Oh well.

I quit internet.

Meh

2007-04-24T22:12:00.000+10:00

I was gonna post something.

But what's the fucking point

Meh.

2007-04-19T10:58:00.000+10:00

Ok, so you may see some of that Google Adwords stuff on here soon. It's mainly so i can save up money to actually pay for a domain to host this on. Now i know that ads and stuff are not what people generally want to see. Lord knows i am one of those people. But i am also a piker. Hence, i will go back on my own personal morals for the moolah.

Only kidding. It's just so i can pay for a domain and stuff.

I'd like to know what you think...

Shows

2007-04-14T11:52:00.000+10:00

Josh Pyke on 20th of April at the Metro. Woo!

Meh

2007-04-10T22:29:00.000+10:00

So.

You're never online anymore. I know you probably have a whole heap of shit you may be dealing with and that I'm not privy to, but still. I'm a selfish prick. And so i will whinge and bitch all i want because you are never online anymore. It's not my fault i miss our discussions.

Anyway.

Spam like this is the highlight of my day. I wonder if the big dick fairy leaves coins under your pillow

Blah. Sick.

2007-04-01T21:36:00.000+10:00

I have a cold. So for the next couple days i will probably be a whiny little prick. I apologise in advance.

Inferior Potassium

2007-03-27T08:51:00.000+10:00

The new job is going quite well. Everyone here seems to be relatively nice and relaxed. I'm sure it will all change in due time. Once the project is in full swing I will be able to smell the stress as I drive to work. Or perhaps those are the toxic carcinogens I inhale as I drive through yet another tunnel.

Out of the whole office there is one girl who is hot. And she has an accent, which just makes her more hot. By the sound of her name she appears to be from an ex Soviet backwater. Regardless, she is quite the stunner. The rest are bogans which means I get along with them just fine and I won’t feel compelled to go on a homicidal spree. We also have a coffee machine! I never have to buy coffee again. Even though the coffee is ass-tasting, who cares! It's free! And it's on tap! Awesome +++

I have hooked up the pda phone to the network also and I can download torrents on it. You can take the boy out of the geek but you can’t take the geek out of the boy. And I also have MSN so I can nerd it up at work with my friends. It's all so fab. Not like that hell hole before. But still, it is work, and it will shit me eventually. It always does in the end. And I will ask for more money or move to another company to whore myself. Now all I have to set up is my fuel card so I never have to pay for fuel again.

I will also take pictures of the project as it happens because it is quote amazing how all this stuff gets constructed.

I wonder if I should purchase myself some clothing this weekend. I think I need new sneakers. I may also need some work pants, as the ones I currently wear to the office are not really construction site worthy. Some cargo's and construction boots will do me fine. And one of those glowing yellow vests and a hardhat. I so can’t wait to look like I do some form of manual labour, even though I clearly do none at all. I feel so Village People.

I have a box of shit I have to soft through. It should be fun. I get to be a bloke and look at brochures of power tools and concrete mixers. Since I have left my last job, which was just 2 weeks ago, they have sacked 3 staff. That place is so going under. It's only a matter of time. It's because of the fat Scotsman who runs the show there. He needs his head checked for defects.

My brain is hurty after not getting enough sleep last night. I need someone to give ma head rub (not that kind of head rub. Filthy infidels). After that I need cookies and cream ice cream. That would be pleasant. Then you can leave me alone so I can play Zelda on the Wii. I need a maid of some kind. If I was a rich person I could import one from somewhere. I thought slavery had been abolished. I think these days it’s called Human Services, or some shit like that. When I think of Human Services, I think of a $50 blowjob in the back of a Kingswood. I don’t know much though. Just nod and smile and everything will be ok.

My brain is so much fun sometimes.

Linguistics

2007-03-21T22:03:00.000+11:00

Words I hate:

Redundant
Proactive
Invoice
Contract
Force Majeure
Database
Diatribe
Paradigm
Maximise
Risk
Distort
Figures
Profit
Minimise

All these were in the Managing Directors speech today (I was writing them down as he spoke. Hey, it was fucking boring!).

A nice enough guy. But whichever spin doctor told him to use the buzzword thesaurus requires execution at the earliest possible convenience.

Reckoning

2007-03-19T21:45:00.000+11:00

Visitors on a Monday. I don't understand it. It is my belief that no-one should ever visit anyone on a Monday. It's the beginning of the working week, hence the crappiest day of the week. Your body and mind have not yet had a chance to recover from the bender you had on the weekend and it feel as if your brain matter is being fucked by a pack of man eating warthogs. Monday is not a good day to visit.

Not that I don't like the occasional visitor. I just don't like them on a Monday. Nevertheless i soldiered on with these humans who decide that it is ok to do this to a human being who has clearly had a frazzling day. First day of the new job you see. It is exciting. I will be more excited when i get my pay though. If i win the lottery (I probably need to play it before even considering winning), I will sit on my ass for a good year and do absolutely nothing except gain wait and be known in social circles as the fat, mentally unstable pleb who got lucky. I think if i play enough Wii and Guitar Hero the weight won't pack on as it should though. That will be my only defence against the ravages of KFC and Cornetto's.

I don't hate my job enough yet to start bitching about it. Give me time though. No one is irritating me yet, but i havent got to know them. One day is hardly enought ime for me to rant about the inadequacies of the human species i encounter at work. As long as I am left to my own devices, which appears to be in the job description, i will be happy. So i suppose i will have to vent my spleen on society. Oh dear. I may get arrested, or at least "interrogated" in some sort of Draconian hell hole.

It's raining. God's golden shower.

Celebrate

2007-03-15T14:20:00.000+11:00

My computer is now at home. Woo!

Monkey's

2007-03-13T20:56:00.000+11:00

Bah

I have been so bored lately i think i could plot the end of the world and my annexation of all things good and holy.

New job starts next week.

woo. hoo.

I Should Be Honoured

2007-03-02T22:33:00.000+11:00

But instead, i'm just freaked out a little.

Apparently, my cock is a topic of conversation at work. Over lunch no less.

I don't know how this came about. I havent flashed it anywhere. And i know toilets dont speak. Although in the case of my job, they could be satanically possessed.

Where does cock come up in conversation when going to yum cha? Under the miscellaneous meat section?

3 weeks to go
3 weeks to go
3 weeks to go

Tags: work conversations - lunch - appendages - cock - weird shit - work

Work Is Over. Masturbate!!

2007-02-27T11:29:00.000+11:00

So i resigned on the Friday that just passed. I got poached by another company so that makes me cool because i can say i got headhunted.

I havent updated in ages because my computer has died in the ass, so this update is from work. Well, the job that i will be leaving. I feel sorry for the guys i will be leaving because they are going to be up shit creek, all except for a couple people, i enjoyed where i was. But the couple people that i didnt like turned work into a bullshit filled cesspit and so i had to leave. Can't wait for that glorious exit interview where i get to spill my guts about the refuse i had to deal with.

Anyway, talking about this hellhole is boring and i have better things to do. Like talk about masturbating and such. Because that activity is far more enthralling than anything else that goes on in my life. Blah, thats just sad. But then, ive done far sadder things. Don't ask. Or do, i dont care.

This fandangled ergonomic keyboard is fucked up. It takes me twenty minutes to write one sentence. Oh the pain of it all. Blah i want my computer back. I hate the feeling of having to look over my shoulder everytime i type something here. It's such an oppressive environment. I pity the next person that is going to sit where i sit because it will drive them nuts.

Anyways. Ugly children freak me out.

Tags: work - crap - masturbation - resigning - people - shit - kids

No Need To Worry

2007-02-13T22:01:00.000+11:00

I do live. It's just that my computer has been assfucked by a hobgoblin from hell.

I'll be back soon. Promise!!!

Le Shite

2007-01-25T23:49:00.000+11:00

I hate my job.

Really really hate it.

Not the hate because work is boring and you feel you are getting nowhere.

Hate because you hate the people, the situation, running, everything. I cannot find one single thing about my job that i actually enjoy except lunch and leaving.

If i didnt have commitments i would be out of there in a heartbeat and explain to my clients how they are being ripped off by a pack of assholes who have NFI.

*sigh*

This really sucks.

Tags: work - shit - hate - boring - going postal - fuck it - ...

New Environment Blues

2007-01-22T20:07:00.000+11:00

So my operations manager is no more. He has moved on to another place and here i am left holding my cock in the wind. Not an uncommon thing for me really. Oh well, what can one do. Cost cutting is a bitch of a thing because we wont be re-hiring for the next 6 months. Now i have 4 different people to report to, 4 different people to spin shit to. Don't you just love working for corporations.

I have concluded that the potential for bullshit to come out of my GM's mouth gets exponentially higher every time he feels the need to justify his actions. It is not because he has anything significant to say, he just requires to be heard. Even if the numbskullery is evident, it is not evident to him. Nevertheless, the next 6 months at work will be hell.

Apparently, according to said GM, the shelf life of the worker in this place is 3 years. He has greatly exaggerated this. 3 years would make people homicidal. Unless you have the patience of an Easter Island statue, then 3 years is too much to ask for. Yet again, more ignorance from the master.

I will have to induct the new girl into the ways of this place. She started today. She will learn quickly that tolerance to boredom is a pre-requisite for this job. That, and a male sense of humour, cause we are a mainly male company. Well, a mainly bogan male company.

I have quickly learnt to dislike everyone in here bar from 2 people. The dude that sits next to me and the girl that is sick today. The rest i could do without. Oh well, at least i get a perve with one of the girls i am indifferent towards. I suppose that is worth something. Possibly not worth my pay, but worth something. Here i am trying to justify my pay with the amount of eye-candy i have in the office. I am a ridiculous person.

The gay guy and I are discussing the minuscule nature of my penis. This is how we pass the day. Ridiculous indeed.

Tags: work - life - management - my boss - colleagues - stupidity - blah

Children

2007-01-18T21:03:00.000+11:00

On the train ride home today, my ears were bombarded with the children of Satan. Only unholy heathen can make that much noise for that long a time.

And it wasn't just normal child shouting. It was squealing. Loud, incessant squealing. The kind of sound a pig would make if you were branding it over and over and over again.

Some woman went mad and told them to shut thier child up, and then it turned into a hullabaloo on the train and i was hoping it would be an all in brawl. But that didnt eventuate and yet again i was left unfulfilled.

The children were cute though. Then again, so was Damian.

Train ride was hell though. Trying to read a book with all that going on is just not going to work. I was convinced after i got off the train, that i would devise a plan to eradicate all toddlers off the plant. Then i came to my senses and figured that i should devise a plot to harvest them so that we can extract their nutrients for our benefit.

fnar!

What am i saying?!

See what sleep deprivation does to me@!#

Tags: children - annoyances - satan - screaming - commuting - sleep deprivation

Oh Dear...

2007-01-15T21:39:00.000+11:00

Someone, anyone, please help me...

In what otherwordly dimension do people consider taking the below photo, a good idea?
Because on the planet i reside, that is just fucked up.

I am so sending this to Something Awful's Cliff Yablonski.

It needs to be ridiculed by a worldwide audience.

Tags: frightening - idiots - decisions that will haunt you for the rest of your living days

More Notes From The Train

2007-01-09T21:16:00.000+11:00

Sometimes i wish i could write all of this in another language just in case the persons itting next to me reads what i am writing. I suppose i could be one of those assholes who thinks their bag deserves the exhalted position of taking up a seat during peak hour. That way no one would sit next to me. I dont think i would care too much. No doubt people would get shitty at me. That's nothing too unusual though. People getting shitty with me is a frequent occurence.

Tomorrow is going to be a very busy day. I am going to pay some invoice thati havent bothered with for 2 months because i conveniently placed them in the too hard basket. Or rather was forced to place them in there by my incompetent boss. Oh well. They will get paid. Just like my credit card got paid today. I have prostituted it for months. I think it requires a rest. I hate whoring money that i dont have.

I have been obsessed with a Mah-Jong game that i have on my phone. I was playing it while one of the miscreants on the train sat next to me. I could feel her eyes peering over. She must have swapped seats about ten times before she got to me. She did this so she would have to sit next to other people. Then after me she saw a free seat and pounced on it like a cougar. You gotta be quick on these trains. Otherwise you got no hope of getting some sweet seat action baby.

My boss came back from leave today. He is leaving our division anyway which mean no one gives a shit what he says anymore. My client doesnt care what he says anymore either, not that there was a point that actually did care. The opinion everyone in the office has of him is quite low. I would liken it to the love humans have when they step on the faecal matter of a dog. I think he is a bit seedy as well. And he talks to his girl as if she were 5 years old. Perhaps she is. Hence the seediness.

At least four people are coughing. They all sound as if they are going to bring up a lung. I can feel the germs hovering around me. Ready to infest me with their demon disease. I just got over being sick too. One of them is sitting behind me. I can feel the short burts of breath on the back of my head with every cough. I shall shave my head when i get home and bathe in methylated spirits. Not likely. I will be sick. Take it on the chin like a man. Damn this diseased incubator and all who inhabit it. Damn it all to hell.

*Cue "Planet of the Apes" pose*

A homeless woman took her pants down, squatted, and urinated between two cars today. This was the highlight of my day. Public urination. Yep, it's gonna be a great year.

Tags: train - people - games - work - annoyance - funny - bored

Notes From The Train

2007-01-02T19:52:00.000+11:00

Happy New Year!

Today i was back at work. Boring as that can be. I have decided to get myself a Flickr account. For no other reason than I want a place to put the crappy pictures i take on my mobile phone somewhere. It should be interesting. I like taking pictures as long as they arent of me (well, at least my face). I am a hideous being, and as such, am likely to break mirrors, lenses etc. I cannot afford the insurance for replacement of these items.

I think the first picture I will be of my dog. He is old and will probably die soon. I want to have something to remember him by, other than the copious amounts of DNA he has left on his blanket or the canyon he has dug in my parents backyard.

As i write this on the train, a bevy of yammering idiots have just got on. They are talking about "chicks". How often they have scored with said "chicks". Which of these "chicks" are sluts. I suspect most of the chicks they talk about will be considred sluts. This consideration is probably because the girl wanted nothing to do with them. So, naturally, in this alternate universe these twits inhabit, the girl is of the slut variety. The woman sitting opposite me sighs and looks towards them with disdain. They get off at the next stop. They will probably get off with each other this evening in their band of circle jerks.

I am hoping to save up enough money to got to New York this year. That is, if i dont get any unexpected bills i never wanted. This is more than likely to happen. I will find a way though. Perhaps i will quit smoking. Perhaps i wont.

The woman and man sitting behind me are talking about "Rocky". She has apparently never seen the film. Don't worry honey, you arent missing out on anything. I's suggest seeing "Dog Day Afternoon" or "Taxi Driver", but they seem to be having their own little clique happening and i am happy to continue listening to the man, probably her work colleague, try to chat her up. I have concluded that most relationships i know about are either work related, drunken trysts, or both. As long as people are happy i am not too concerned.

The video of Saddam Hussein's hanging was sent to me in my email. I didn't lok at it. After a weekend spent watching "The Deer Hunter" and then celebrating New Year, i dont think my emotional circuits can handle watching a mans ultimate demise. It will sit in my inbox though, until i am willing to delete it. It's a crazy world we live in. Celebrating, advertising, being triumphant over death is truly the lowest point humanity can reach. It astonishes me how, during all this timeh umanity has been on Earth, we have come so far, yet sunk so low. I dont want to make excuses for the man because clearly he was an evil human. I just dont think two wrongs make a right.

It's odd how a train ride home from work can bring this all out in me. It is probably a slow brain day for me. I should be angry and sarcastic. I dont have it in me today.

My new shoes are hurting the pinky toe on my left foot. I cannot wait to get them off, have a shower and give my dog a hug. Just so he knows i havent forgotten about him.

I think the good looking Middle Eastern girl on the train is looking at me. I dont have my glasses on so i cant tell. I'll pretend she is. A small boost of self confidence in an otherwise mindless day.

At this rate I'm going to run out of notepads. I can't wait to steal that diary from work tomorrow. It looks good and although I'll never use it, it will feature nicely in my pile of unused stationary.

A woman is singing quietly to herself. It is the most beautiful thing i have heard all day.

"Romeo, Romeo. Where for art though, Romeo?"
"I killed myself because i thought you died. See you in purgatory."

Tags: rambling - train - people - opinion - Saddam Hussein - death penalty - shoes - work - films

This Post Makes No Sense

2006-12-28T20:35:00.000+11:00

I'm not one to rant about spam, as i have succumbed to the fact that it will be an everyday part of my life, like assholes and bills. But every so often, one subject catches your eye and you can't help but laugh.

"Make it larger and your girl will forget her name"

I've never heard of a penis being so large that it will bring on amnesia. Is there a name for this ailment? What happens if a man sees this wang of mental destruction? So many questions and no answers. I guess i'm just going to have to walk the streets and randomly grab mens crotches to see if they have the mysterious "Wang of Forgetfulness". I need to find out how i turn my cock, into a cock of memory loss.

I hate having to go to work on the days between Xmas and NY. There is nothing to do but play games on Miniclip because Newgrounds is blocked out by my works server. I'd love to take in my Wii, but i am fearful that the lummoxes at work may render it useless. Zelda is currently keeping me occupied. Occasionally i play golf, but when i feel like looking like an absolute tool, i tend to play guitar hero. Although i have a couple real guitars, the coloured buttons are just too enticing.

Blah i'm sneezing like a motherfucker. I need to write some more. I know i have a person waiting on a story that i promised, like, a decade ago (sorry! you know who you are). I am almost positive this new job has drained whatever creativity that i had left in me. But, considering that there is almost no one in the office tomorrow, i will write it then. What better way to waste my hours. Most who read this probably have NFI what i'm talking about, and that's probably a good thing.

Other than that, i will get drunk this weekend, as i still have some left over booze from my contractors generosity. Sure, it's probably metho mixed with grape juice and put in a nice bottle, but it still gets me somewhat drunk, and isn't that what matters?

I love you like the plague.

Tags: rambling - spam - blah - no sense - stupid - work - games - Wii

Ho Ho Ho... Merry Xmas!!

2006-12-25T23:04:00.000+11:00

Have an awesome one dudes!

Tags: Christmas - Xmas - Futurama - Santa - Santabot

The Grinch

2006-12-22T23:52:00.000+11:00

My boss, bless his heart of 3km deep Antarctic ice, is a dickhead. Today one of our contractors came by and offered up booze. We pay them a lot of money to kiss our asses, i suppose a bottle of wine is their way of saying thanks. My boss, in all his infinite wisdom decided to tell the guy to take a hike. In a nice polite way, but the message was clear.

Granted, i cleaned up this year on the contractor booze run. Two bottles of bourbon and 4 bottles of wine. But why would anyone say no to a gift? I understand we have some odd policy at work where we are not allowed to accept token gestures of gratitude. We also have to claim said tokens if they cost over 50 beans. However, this is Xmas. If at any other time during the year this were to happen, i understand the whole bribery scenario as it would look suss. But this is Xmas. The spirit of giving and being nice to your fellow man. Saying thanks for a job well done. He didn't even have the nerve to turn up to the office Xmas party. Probably cause he knew we would all be wasted, which we were, and someone would tear into him like a lion ripping into the flesh of a gazelle.

So, he has officially been branded the grinch. I shouldn't really care. But considering i have to report to this mentally deficient plebian, and have only been there for 3 months, it irks me. He got shitty that a girl is leaving for a better opportunity elsewhere. She works on the Helldesk. It's a shitty job with shitty money. She found a position that is meaningful. What did the grinch do? He scolded her for leaving. Didn't offer a congratulations and told her not to speak to her new employers in his presence and if he found out she was doing so would sack her on the spot. These are not the actions of a rational human being. Yet he is in charge of 20 odd people. All of whom dislike the man. It may prove to be an entertaining year, if i last that long. My probationary period ends on Christmas Day. I am expecting a text message from him saying that I am no more. I say text message, because he strikes me as that type of coward. Happy to exploit his position of authority, because no one wants to lose their job, but would probably be speechless if someone actually told him the truth.

So, yet again, i hate my job.

Oh well, at least i could afford to buy the people i give a shit about presents this year. The boss may be a gutter worm of the highest order, but at least the pay is good.

Tags: the boss - grinch - work - stupidity - alcohol - Christmas

I Am In Love

2006-12-15T23:27:00.000+11:00

Yes. You read it right. I am in love.

I am so in love with Sarah Blasko my vag hurts, if i had a vag, that is. She's just so cute and yum. I think i have defiled her sanctity by referring vag pain to her.

I am so wrong in so many ways.

Tags: Sarah Blasko - music - love - cute - vag - idiot

Rides, Hoes & Pimps

2006-12-04T19:58:00.000+11:00

So this weekend i was dragged along to some car rubbish. Autosalon. There were grown men taking pictures of themselves with cars in Public Enemy style poses. It was extremely disturbing to see.

There were disinterested girls walking around wearing not much as the men who use the vehicles as penis extensions leered at them. There were car bitches. Oodles and oodles of car bitches wandering around handing out stupid flyers to see more cars. Cars that would cost $5000 in a car yard which have had $20,000 worth of work spent on them so they can end up being worth $7000. It boggles the mind.

But nothing boggles the mind more than the amount of homies and bogans that attended this torturous event.

Bogan, homies, cars and car bitches. It was perverse. And there i was, mired in the boredom of the "extravaganza". I would have had fun, had i been drinking, but sobriety does not paint such a glamorous portrayal of showcases such as this. The highlight of the day was leaving the god forsaken place and going to the relative sanity of a takeaway food place on Broadway. I say relative sanity, because Broadway is also a hell-hole of immense proportions. Just not as large a hell-hole as Autosalon.

Autosalon is a deep dark pit where light, and more-so enlightenment, cannot escape. For a brief period i felt myself turning into one of the great unwashed. Tempted to ogle at carburretors, stare incessantly at car bitches, possibly get my own car bitch, say "fully sick" as a normal part of my vocabulary.

I escaped just in time though. The force is strong with me, Obi Wan.

Tags: autosalon - bogans - homies - crap cars - shit events - car bitches - shit - stupid friends

Dirty Fucken Rodents

2006-11-30T21:28:00.000+11:00

Today i was on the train commuting back home from work, when lo and behold, in peak hour joy, 3 people took their shoes off and left their tinea riddled feet ou tin the open to air out. One of them even had holes in his socks.

That is a classy look.

These people weren't even bums, who i can forgive for that sort of behaviour. No they were everyday citizens who decided to air out the fungal spores. It's a charming look. Socks with holes, stanky feet that were in faux leather shoes, and a nice suit to match. Yay for being civilised. Yay for being clean. Yay for having a total disregard for everyone around you while you wave your wretched festering hooves around.

It's almost as fantastic as walking around barefoot on a busy footpath. That's the fashionable way to get around. Fashionable are better than you!

Hrmm... i smell sarcasm. I need Fanta!

Tags: dirty - people - feet - fungus - yuck - gross - public transport

Eskimo's And Stuff

2006-11-22T21:44:00.000+11:00

I have a gripe. Aussie band Eskimo Joe. I don't like them. In fact, i think they suck. Pretty hard too. I don't understand what it is about them that makes them suck. Perhaps my taste in music is incorrect. Perhaps my hearing is not what it used to be. I just do not get them. I do not get what other people love about them.

Don't get me wrong, i will support bands, local bands any day of the week, on the proviso that what they play is at least listenable. But they suck. Missy Higgins type sucking. Sure i'm an elitist cunt, but that's why opinions shouldn't matter to anyone. I'm sure Eskimo Joe and their entourage couldn't give two flyings turds about what i think. Nevertheless, they still suck.

Maybe i just don't get the Australian public. Delta Goodrem, Shannon Noll, Rogue Traders, Anthony Callea... the list of degenerates grows day by day. Eskimo Joe are effectively the best of a bad bunch. I wouldnt be so quick in cutting them down if i thought they actually had something tangible, but they just don't, they are bland, like plain pasta.

Anyway... I'll leave that alone. I've had my bitch for the day.

Tags: Eskimo Joe - bad music - sucking - Australian music - vomit bands

I Am A Dork

2006-11-14T20:10:00.000+11:00

Contrary to popular belief, i don't hate everything.

I hate work, but i would find it hard to find someone who didnt. It does get tedious. People tell me i have a good job and get paid well. Yes, i do, but i hate what i do. It's not so much the job, it's the surrounding people that make work life difficult to enjoy. I have to hold back from opinion. Like my bosses shirts for instance. Bright, disgusting shirts. I would rip into him, however, i have to hold my breath cause he may seem a little sensitive.

The gay guy at work has the hots for me. It's weird in a cute way. I think he wants to queer eye me. I don't think i'm ready for that sort of relationship. Boganism is really my forte. It's good though, at least he is nice to me.

That cute Asian girl is the one i like though. She is Chinese. It took me a while to figure it out. I eventually got it out of her. We started talking about yum cha cart ladies and my undying affection for them. She is adamant i am a far larger nerd than her, even though she is the one with the degree in in Nerdism from University and i am merely an uneducated peon. She has a man though. I have a secret dislike for him, even though i mask it well. It's only because i want to find out if the quiet cute Asian girl has a dirty streak. I suspect she does. But i suspect everyone thinks like me, when clearly they do not.

Everyone went to the U2 concert. I didn't. Bono bugs me. It must be the constant wearing of sunglasses. Or perhaps it's his espousal of third world virtues, even though U2 has an iPod named after them that is probably made in a backwater sweatshop with workers who are paid $3.00 a year. He is the new Bob Geldof. Only far more popular and far more annoying. It is my opinion that Bob Geldof looks like the insane crack addict that used to live next door to me at one stage in my life. That was while i lived in London. Perhaps it was actually him. Probably not, he was far more coherent and far more entertaining.

Tags: work - annoyance - gay - queer eye - China Girl - nerds - U2 - Bob Geldof - crack head

Plastica Fantastica

2006-11-06T23:22:00.000+11:00

As i was commuting today i saw a woman. Plump lips. No expression. Oddly alien like.

I am seeing more and more of these altered humans in this city. It gives me the shits. I like girls looking natural and with the ability to pull faces. Not like the ice queen Nicole Kidman. Perhaps i don't understand this fascination with perfectly beautiful women destroying what makes them beautiful. Vanity is a lovely thing though. It reminds me of the movie, Seven. I wonder, in a "Book of Revelation", "Dante's Inferno" type of society, would these people cut off their nose to spite their face. It's not just the women. Men get their pectoral implants and nose jobs. Even botox is a common domain for maledom. Am i to expect that in the near future all men will look like David Gest and Jocelyn Wildenstein? Will plastic surgeons be our Almighty Overlords? Will i be ostracised for not being part of this bizarre cult?

It is truly a frightening prospect. That the people on this website, will one day come to inherit the earth, if they havent done so already. And I, will be left stroking my wrinkly old skin, wondering where all the homosapiens went to. I still dig Jennifer Connelly though.

Tags: plastic surgery - freaks - bizarre - future - women - men - eep!

The Man & His Woe

2006-10-29T22:21:00.000+11:00

I have spent the majority of my weekend listening to Led Zeppelin and playing guitar. After a cunt of a week at work it made me happy.

Also i have been watching DVD's all day today. Clerks, Mallrats, Underworld 2 and Dave Chappelle. I enjoy doing nothing. I enjoy feeling unproductive. Productivity is the scourge of society. I like doing nothing.

Tomorrow is a work day though and i am going to have to come up with some sort of energy that will help me get through the day. Woe is me. At least i will be able to go out for a bit and talk with tradespeople who are down to earth and not a pack of maniacal idiots. Unlike my boss. I believe he is an egotist. Not to mention a Grade A wanker. He has his little sportsbike that he races around in. I think he suits a scooter more. I dislike scooter riders. I used to own a motorcycle. A nice cruiser. Scooters are my mortal enemy. Oh well. I suppose the trendy people in Sydney love them and i will just have to get used to their pseudo-Europeaness.

Blah i am just pissed cause i have to go work with a bunch of idiots tomorrow that i dont particularly like. Oh well, such is life. I will deal with it. Hopefully. There is just such a high concentration of them. It's pushing me to the brink of insanity.

Tags: weekend - music - films - work - Led Zeppelin - guitar - sleepy - idiots

Assholes Are Everywhere

2006-10-24T22:14:00.000+10:00

Today was my first official day of hate at work. Particularly because the cunts i work for are unethical self serving bastards. It would be easier for me to just go directly to the client and say, don't re-tender to these guys and don't trust anything that they say because they are unethical cunts. That would be far more ethical of me to do, and would put me above them, for a short period of time, until they sacked my ass and left me penniless on the street.

This was caused by my boss. I don't mind subversive crap. Trying to get away with certain things at work is part and parcel of my industry. However, to be blatantly negligent and unethical, goes too far with me.

I get told,

"This is how we are going to do things because we don't want to spend money even though this is the job they pay us for. So hold off on the job, until the shit hits the fan, then deal with it from there."

That is not acceptable to me. We either do it right the first time, or we explain to the people paying us why it fucked up after we knew exactly what would happen.

I've only been here a month and it's already given me the shits. Oh well, at least i get to look at the cute Asian girl. I probably shouldnt care because i get paid good money and i should be able to turn a blind eye to the blatant theft of other peoples/companies money, but i just cant.

*sigh*

I can't believe i am getting pissed over this. I should be used to corporate whoring. Reflection is a prick of a thing.

Fuck it. I'm gonna go kill zombies in Dead Rising.

Tags: work - ethics - bullshit - angry - cute Asian girls - corporations - video games - Dead Rising

Cube Dweller

2006-10-19T21:49:00.000+10:00

I am sitting here with a bar of chocolate and a bottle of coke. Tomorrow i have to get up early in the morning as i have meetings. My diet is not conducive to waking up early. Sugar and caffeine this late in the evening is not the best thing for sleep. At least it will keep me up long enough to watch Family Guy.

I want a child like Stewie. A football shaped head, evil corsing through his veins, and the ability to talk like a discontent upper class Englishman. Perhaps if i wish hard enough, i will get something similar, although knowing my luck, he will be as thick as an ox. I suppose stupidity does pay these days though. Perhaps he will be a fantastic sportsperson or something. I will retire in the country and tend to a failing farm whilst my son props up my lack of farming know-how with his many millions of dollars. I say son, because Stewie is a boy. Not that i wouldn't want a daughter. I'd probably prefer one, just because i know how much of a cunt little kid i was. Ick. I seriously dont want any spawn.

Work has been going ok. I have a gay IT guy who is really awesome. The temp that was hired to be his slave is really cute also. Other than that, the place is devoid of any personality. My job consists of being a fucking asshole to all of our vendors. I suppose that's what comes with having the word "manager" in your title. I seriously never thought i would be a manager of anything. I never really wanted to be. Yet here i am. Another word i have gone back on. I wouldnt trust me. There are many English people with English accents. It makes it difficult to understand anyone when they all sound like Brad Pitt's pikey out of Snatch. I am half expecting them to start bare knuckle boxing matches in their lunch hour.

I am looking forward to work tomorrow, because i get to see the cute temp and laugh with the gay IT guy about how much people are fucking morons. I secretly suspect thata t least 3 people in the office are gay. IT guy thinks so too. It's almost cute that our gaydar is in total syncronisation. asked himif he thought i was gay, and he said no. He just thought i was weird, in a good way. Whatever that means. I like him. He will be my new friend. Cute temp will be the object of my retarded one liners. The rest of them i dont care about. Oh, except for one of my alleged underlings. He is cool. He wants to make films, and i seriously hope he does before office life sucks all the creativity out of him.

Observation for the day: Guy Ritchie has had his testicles bitten off by Madonna.

Related Tags: office - English - IT - friends - new people - idiots - Stewie - Family Guy - Snatch

Realisations

2006-10-16T21:32:00.000+10:00

Looking at your credit card bill, seeing that you bought 6 x 750ml bottles of wine in 5 days and all bottles are empty is a sobering thought.

If only i was sober.

I fear that i may be regressing into self destruction. What's worse is i think i may be enjoying it.

Tags: alcohol - problems - sober - bored - issues

Blah

2006-10-15T23:46:00.000+10:00

Dearest Whoever,

I am sor osrry i have been neglecting you. I have just been caught up with so much rubbish that i would rather not deal with. However i cannot get past the unavoidable. Hence the apology.

I asure you i will find time for you. Possibly tomorrow when i am bored at work and may have something to write. But i have been bereft of any tangible time. What with paying bills, watching television, working, socialising, drinking, being anti-social and masturbating, i have barely had any time to myself.

I assure you that i have not forgotten about you. Things just get in the way. These things must be eradicated, and the time of cleansing is at hand.

Sincerely,

Moi

Tags: apologies - blogging - time - tired - tomorrow

Perfect Prey

2006-10-08T23:16:00.000+10:00

I hate everyone today.

Not for any particular reason. I just have a distinct unpleasantness about me which is clouding my judgement about everything.

Thinking too much causes me to get like this. Thinking too much and drinking too much Coke and smoking too many cigarettes whilst struggling to come up with anything to write in my notepad.

I actually write things down on paper most of the time. I suppose it's an obsessive compulsive thing. I carry a notepad and pencil around with me during the day at work. Sometimes ideas come into my head that i need to write down so that i don't forget them. Sometimes i need to write down the price of things that i want to buy. Sometimes i get an awesome lyric that i know i will forget and it will bug me for eternity. Sometimes i write things that i want to say to people, but know i never will. So i carry around the notebook. The torn and tattered notebook that i stole from work for my own personal use.

One day something may happen to me, and all i will have left for anyone to know me will be these little notebooks that i carry around with me. I suspect people will either be disturbed, or happy by what i write, depending on if you know me or not.

No matter how crappy my day, i can look at her face and always smile. She'd probably think i was a weirdo. And she'd probably be right.

Tags: bad day - notebook - writing - stuff - boredom - people - attitude - Audrey Tautou

Food

2006-10-03T22:00:00.000+10:00

I eat at this place. It's called Golden Kingdom. I like to think the Chinese writing says "Horses Testicles", because it makes me laugh that us clueless whiteys are eating at a place called horses testicles.

I am dumb.

PS - If you're Asian, don't get offended. I'm just quirky. Not racist.

Tags: food - languages - Chinese - vulgarity

I See Stupid People

2006-10-01T23:50:00.000+10:00

Being bereft of any new ideas is irritating. I have now passed my first week at work without the following:

Username & Password for internal network
Phone
Email
Working computer
Mobile Phone
Citrix Login

I am hoping this will come next week, along with the massive amount of stationery that I ordered. I'm not holding my breath though. Regardless it's not my fault and I don't really care. I am happy to take their money whilst I sit at my desk and stare at the partitioned walls. Oh how I enjoy being a cube dweller again. I think I may have read the same contracts for the last 5 days a total of about 10 times each. I don't want to look at flow charts anymore. Don't even get me started on Powerpoint presentations. I find it humorous that they are paying me a substantial sum of money so that I can work, yet have not provided me with the basic necessities to do my job. I will also need to be "inducted".

Induction. I wonder if it will involve a bizarre ritual where my ass will be paddled whilst I am forced to endure self help seminars with Dr Phil whilst my head is in stocks. I wouldn't put it past them. Corporate hazing could be fun. I'd prefer a nice lunch and several beers though. Surely they wouldn't mind me getting blind drunk at lunch. I am far more charming when I am drunk.

Hell, I'm just a charming motherfucker anyway. Can you dig it?

Tags: work - new job - ignorance - alcohol - drunk - induction - hazing - idiots

Apologies

2006-09-28T22:10:00.000+10:00

My apologies for a lack of posts recently. The new job has taken some energy out of me. I assure you things will resume to whatever normality they were at before. Hopefully by the end of this working week. Which is tomorrow!

How exciting for everyone!

New Day. New Job

2006-09-25T20:54:00.000+10:00

The new job started today. It was interesting and boring at the same time. Boring for the majority of the day. I am hopeful that it will get interesting though. I am certain however, that i have encountered someone who i will not like. Considering he is my equal in the hierarchy, it will be interesting.

He has tenure though. Once my 3 month probationary period is up though, it will be on. Fireworks at a new job are always fun. I'm glad i have encountered the potential dickhead early. At least i can prepare myself.

I have been forced to not smoke though. At least until i am comfortable at work. This can only be a good thing. I hate going into new jobs. It's one of those socially awkward situations that force you to be polite to absolute retards you wouldn't normally associate with. At least the boss seems reasonably cool. Maybe some of them are dicks because it's a Monday and nobody wants to be at work. I shall see how it goes. I do have underlings though. Perhpas i can brainwash them into doing my bidding. This requires me being a boss of things. I prefer equality. Unfortunately there is always a hierarchy in the corporate world. Some people enjoy using that to their advantage. I'd rather not. It harbours resentment. It's something i'll have to deal with though. Just as long as i dont have to deal with the dickhead too often, i'll be ok. I will be ok. Perhaps he needs me to prove myself first before he respects me as a relevant member of society.

Things will be different though. It's a boys club. Men beating their chests and tooting their own horn and trying to get away with sexual harrassment in the workplace. I dread their Christmas parties. I can just see myself being coerced into a compromising position just so i can be "part of the team". Fuck the team.

I suppose i shoud give the whole thing a chance before i start tearing holes in the fabric.

Tags: new job - work - idiots - dickheads - team - boys club - men

Eloquently Stupid

2006-09-18T14:48:00.000+10:00

After a weekend filled by alcohol fueled mayhem, i am not particularly interested in doing work today. Just as well i am not busy.

I have been playing poker on my mobile phone for half the day. This has been my only source of entertainment. I find it difficult to come to work and not be entertained by anything. So i sit at the computer and, posing as an honest worker, i silently tap away at my mobile phone trying to win at poker. If only these skills could translate to a functional, real life job.

I was invited to go and see "An Inconvenient Truth" tomorrow. As much as i care about the environment, i don't care for this film. Mainly because i don't care for politicians, ex-politicians or otherwise. I am sure Al Gore is a nice man. I am sure his concerns and points are valid, but he loses credibility with me because he was/is a politician. Politicians are the scum of the Earth, pollutants, if you will. So why would i trust a pollutant, making films about pollutants? I'm just not making any sense now. I have heard that it is almost one big product placement for Apple Computers though. Considering he is a Director at the company, it's not too surprising. I'll probably watch it when it comes out on DVD. I'm lazy like that.

This evening i will spend some of the night in front of the television watching the Godfather. I will sit down with a bottle of red wine and get mildly hammered. When i start the new occupation i will be catching the train into work. This allows me to catch up on some much needed reading. I have Bob Dylan's book to go through first. Then i think i will try to get through Anthony Kiedis' book after that. I have purchased all these books with the intent of reading them, however when i get home the siren song of TV, computing and writing are too great for me to resist. The luminescent screen of woe lures me in and traps me, annihilating my brain cells one by one. I can feel myself growing dimmer by the day. Or perhaps that's the bashing of my head on the hard desk at work that's doing that. Regardless, i feel stupid, and the only way to quell that is by exercising my brain with books, crosswords and music.

The liberation of my genitalia from it's cloth shackles in the evening is paramount to my mental well-being, hence, I sleep naked. Not that you needed to know that.

Tags: phone - games - boredom - films - Al Gore - books - sleeping - hangover

Countdown

2006-09-15T17:02:00.000+10:00

One more week to go. One more week and then I get out of here and become a cube dweller. At least I will be in the city and I will be able to buy frivolous items that I will use once and then discard. I call them "prophylactic items."

First thing I am going to do is buy a USB Digital Set Top Box so that I can watch TV on my laptop whilst surfing for pornography and drinking vodka. Today I am working with two women in the office. They are quite good looking. Problem is, one talks like Mr Ed and the other one is an ignoramus. This detracts from their looks considerably. A talking horse is unnatural, and ignoramuses are just a blight on the Earth. Hence, I am no longer attracted to them in any way.

The one that talks like a horse is talking about her "awesome myspace page". I think this indicates to you the type of calibre of person I am dealing with here. I don't mind if anyone has a Myspace page. Half the planet has one now I think. Even I have one. But to refer to the thing as awesome is illogical. It is not awesome. It makes my browser crash. The designs on some of the pages make my eyes bleed. Coldfusion is a cunt of a thing. Don't even get me started on the CSS implemented on some of them either. I think the W3C CSS Validator kills a kitten every time someone tries to validate their Myspace page.

Listening to her yammer on is giving me brain lesions, and that cannot be a good thing. SHUT YOUR MOUTH UP YOU EMO SODOMITE!!!

I need to go outside, otherwise terrible things may happen.

Can't wait to go to The Hopetoun tonight.
Alcohol + Music = FUN!

Tags: work - colleagues - shopping - CSS Validator - emo - music - alcohol - Hopetoun Hotel

Moleskine's & Martini's

2006-09-13T23:27:00.000+10:00

I keep my phone on "silent mode" so that I don't get interrupted after hours. If the building was burning down, they would have to leave a message. I suppose I don't really care anymore. I used to. But not anymore. I find it difficult to care about people who have no class.

The other day I was walking behind a man who didn't open the heavy door of his apartment for what appeared to be his mother. I felt like dropping an anvil on his shin. I got angry at another mans ignorance. Or perhaps I got angry that in the future, if I possibly have children, they will grow up in a world far worse than this. Or perhaps I will be the old man, opening the door for my son, and not the other way around. Or perhaps that I will just be old.

My brain feels like its on crack when I see something that is just blatantly wrong. A million things run through it. If I could only stop thinking every now and then, and just take it easy. I feel like a stiff drink. Whiskey Sour thanks bartender. I'll light up a cigarette, drink, and write my memoirs in a Moleskine Notebook. Hopefully I won’t turn into an even more ill-tempered Ernest Hemingway type person.

PS – if you see me opening the door for my son in the future, remind me to drop an anvil on his shins.

Tags: respect - aging - Hemingway - irritations - frustration - punishment

The Processes Of Ineptitude

2006-09-11T16:24:00.000+10:00

It has been an abysmal week. Not for any particular reason. Just the mixture of rain, work, lack of money and tiredness has resulted in me being irritable. I could potentially be a happy person, but things just seem to get in the way. I could live a hermit existence, more-so now, and probably be content.

I would be one of those bizarre farmers that sits on a porch in a rocking chair with a shotgun ready to shoot any person that gets within seeing distance of me. The poor fools would have no idea what they are in for. It will be my own personal version of "The Devils Rejects".

All this is merely here-say anyway, as i am not a homicidal farmer. Nor am i going to be a hermit. But the fantasy is entertaining me for the time being. Alas, it always gets interrupted by some slovenly heathen who has meaningless issues. Serious issues are understandable. They need to be resolved. But meaningless twits who continue to meander along about pointless and inconsequential rubbish is just painful. A woman came in today, who required certain items. I gave her certain items, but not before she let out an exasperated sigh because these items do not take 2 seconds to create. Patience is a virtue. She has no virtues left. Patience was all she had, and now that has disappeared, so she is destitute of anything that could have possibly made her company worthwhile.

I encounter a lot of this scumbaggery at work though. The Mentally Deficient Quotient is high. In two weeks i leave though, and with my departure come such glee that i may not be able to contain myself. I will have to forewarn my soon to be ex-colleagues that my pants may be soiled due to excessive amounts of unadulterated joy.

I hope i don't get so happy that i start to text message my penis to the CEO telling him that mines bigger than his. That would be... unpleasant.

MySpace is an endless source of amusement.

Tags: hermit - bored - movies - work - people - irritations - virtues - MySpace

Shut Up Brain Before I Stab You With A Q-Tip

2006-09-09T00:06:00.000+10:00

Apparently I am a weirdo.

Tags: weird - psychotic - blah

Wind Is Not My Friend

2006-09-07T20:26:00.000+10:00

Today was windy as shit. I had a million things to do. Everything was flooded and the whole world sucked because I had to trudge through Hurricane "IDetestWork" to get things done.

At least my day passed. If only I looked decent though. With all that ridiculous wind I ended up looking like I'd shoved my wet hands right into an electrical junction box. Still, it's my job, and I suppose I have to do it up until I leave this flaming pit of Hades.

Some tenant who lives in one of these buildings has threatened to speak to the media regarding an issue he has. I'd normally be concerned, but considering the guy can't even use a spellchecker, I'm less inclined to give a shit. If you want to write a letter of complaint, here are a couple of pointers.

Don't swear in the letter
Be clear in the letter. I hate deciphering things, if I have to, they get deleted.
Learn to spell, or at least, learn to press "Spellcheck". It will do all the hard work your brain should have done for you.
Don't threaten me, otherwise I will shut off the power to your particular residence.
I don't care if your expensive items got wet, that's why builders have insurance.
Take pictures of said damage, as opposed to making spurious claims saying this and that got ruined. I can say your pet dog bit my nuts off, and sue your ass, but without evidence, it means nothing. And you are well within your right to dispute it by saying I had an unfortunate incident with a garlic crusher.

If you follow those rules, then I am more than happy to love you long time. If not, well, you can get fucked by a camel with rabies during its mating season

Tags: work - Sydney - weather - imbeciles - hate - ugly

The Camera Loves You, Baby

2006-09-06T09:56:00.000+10:00

This has amused me greatly this morning.

I wonder, when i come to work, do i actually bother working anymore?

Tags: humour - girls - cams - cam whore - funny

Ya Did Good, Mate

2006-09-04T23:16:00.000+10:00

REST IN PEACE - STEPHEN ROBERT IRWIN
22 February 1962 - 4 September 2006

Tags: Steve Irwin - The Crocodile Hunter

When It Rains It... Well, You Know...

2006-09-03T23:45:00.000+10:00

I got drunk today. It started at approximately 3:00 PM. Getting wasted on occasion is good for the soul, possibly not for the liver, but the soul would rather the liver cease to function i suspect. If only to be rid of this mortal coil and meet its other drinking buddies in heaven, or more likely, hell. My tshirt smells like a fucked up pot pourri of beer, cigarettes, deodorant and womens "eau de suffocating fragrance". It was a yuppie bar. I was a bogan in the land of the sophisticated. Uncharted territory really. I was sufficiently inebriated to appear charming, but clumsy enough to look like i had a medical condition.

At some point in the evening i got called a dirty whore. I don't know for what reason. I suspect a gay man called me that. Considering i am a male and i havent heard those words uttered at me from a woman before. Perhaps he mistook me for a lover that had jilted him at some point in time. Left him hanging, as it were, penis in hand, whilst his ex who has an uncanny likeness to me was tripping the light fantastic with a new piece of ass. Anyway, i don't care, and i will consider it a compliment. Dirty whores have feeling too ya' know?

Anyway, i managed to get home in one piece. Sufficiently inebriated. Smelling like the ass end of a camel. But content. Nothing like a bar to get rid of that burning feeling you have in your wallet.

Tags: drunk - bars - pubs - insults - dirty whore - yuppies - gay

So Emo I Own A Big Headed Mouse

2006-08-31T22:49:00.000+10:00

Brain is God

I'm so emo i even take pictures of my emo glasses.

Tags: photos - Pinky & The Brain - Brain - glasses - emo - i hate emo - toys

How My Days Pass

2006-08-30T17:04:00.000+10:00

Pasta for lunch. Normally this would be good, because i enjoy pasta more than anything else in the world. Well, maybe not anything else. More than any other foodstuff. Anyway. Today it is not good, because the container that i keep my pasta in was not rinsed properly last night. I knew this however i thought it would be ok. Alas, my pasta tastes like Morning Fresh. Perhaps this could be the cause of my mystery illness. My inability to rinse properly has caused me to garnish my food wih toxic chemicals. And i wonder why my stomach feels like ass.

It has been raining on and off here today. Rain is my friend. It creates less work for me. Less people come to annoy me, this means that i am more free to do nothing in particular. I will surf Ebay for items that i will never purchase but enjoy looking at. I will take stupid pictures that i will think are arty, but are really a waste of memory. I enjoy wasting my time doing nothing much. I suppose i could actually do something productive, but that would require effort. Effort is not something that is not in abundance at the moment. Effort is something the Federal Government should give me a 20 million dollar grant for, so that it doesn't become extinct.

At my new job which starts soon, i will be working near a hot ex-colleague of mine. She is married now. That doesn't mean i cant perve though. Everything is coming up roses. Now, to convince politicians to give me that 20 million i require...

Tags: food - pasta - sick - washing - work - ebay - perve

Sickness & Emmalina

2006-08-28T14:41:00.000+10:00

I felt like an old man yesterday. I was playing guitar for a couple hours and when i went to have a shower, my back just went into fuckwit mode. So now i have a bad back, which is causing me no end of irritations. Not to mention a shite nights sleep because i was watching the Formula 1 and it all equals to an irritable and frustrated me.

I suspect the chicken sandwich i just ate for lunch was swimming in salmonella and will cause me no end of puking later on today also.

I can be a whiny little bastard when i'm sick. How fun for all of you.

Emmalina has pulled her youtube blog/video thing. Apparently her computer got hacked which resulted in said hacker gaining images and videos which were not meant for a wider audience. I can only suspect these images were lewd in nature. Well, i know they were lewd in nature as i have seen them. In response to any questions i get about posting them, the answer is a regretful "no". Needless to say, they are quite revealing.

This beckons the question, why oh why would you leave such things on your computer. Use removeable storage! Take it with you. Guard it with your life! I pity the girl really (well, not really. It's hilarious). No one wants that sort of stuff spread all over the net. And yet, here we are. One of her jilted fanboys has gone mental, and this is how it ends up. I can just imagine the IRC channels all aflutter with the controvery and requests.

3mm4L1n4_F4nb0y: OMG please send me her n00dz. Pls k thx. I l0v3z0r her!

Hilarity ensues.

This has made news on the Sydney Morning Herald website.

What a fucking joke. What about some real fucking news.

Tags: sick - sleep deprived - news - Emmalina - hacked - youtube - funny shit - David Hicks

I'm Just Sick

2006-08-24T16:06:00.000+10:00

What to do what to do.

It's boring. I have little to do. Not that i ever have much to do, but today there is very little for me to do. I took some security guards for a walk around so that they could quote on a job today. Why is it that most security guards look like the criminals they should be deterring? Anyway, now that i know i have this new job, i have no motivation to undertake my current one. I will find the motivation though because i like the guys i work with and i dont want to be a total asshole to everyone for a change.

The Associated Press (AP) has reported that a 29-year-old man travelling abroad told airport security officers a sexual aid he had packed for the trip was a bomb.

That is fucking hilarious. I'd love to see what oes into peoples luggage when they pass it through the xrays. I bet all manners of weird shit goes through them. It'd be a great laugh. I think vibrators and the like would only be the beginning of it all. I'm sure there is some absolutely awesome stuff that people take with them on trips. Awesome in my eyes at least, probably quite disturbing in other peoples eyes. But i am a deviate. Hell only a handful of people know how sick and disturbing i actually am. Some of them read this. You're frightened now aren't you...

I once bought a friend of mine a vibrator for her birthday. She told me it would get a lot of use. I couldnt put that image out of my head for a while. It was the good one too. That rabbit type one. I never asked if she liked. Normally i would, but that would have just been awkward. We had a pretty open type of friendship, telling each other all manner of garbage, but her masturbatory efforts was just a little more than i needed to know. I have known her since we were five. Gah. That's just disturbing...

I've sickened myself enough.

Tags: work - weird - sex toys - deviate - airports - friends - the rabbit

Woo & Stuff

2006-08-22T22:56:00.000+10:00

So. As previously stated, I got the job. It's about 20K more than what I am getting now so I am pretty happy with it. It's pretty full on, so after having an obliterating day whilst working there, I may not be arsed to post stuff, but knowing my fixation with this, I will find the time. Even if I have to stay up until ungodly hours racking my sleep deprived brain for poignant heartfelt pieces to write. Either that or they will be nonsensical fart jokes. Fart jokes are the best jokes.

Something has managed to give me the shits though. It's this. I detest sunlight at the best of times. I prefer living my hermit existence. More light means more bad. More bad means unhappy me. I like the dark. I enjoy going out at night. I like knowing that when I go home, the sun is starting to set, and hence, the end of my working day. I know there is some sort of vitamin needed that the sun provides or some shit, but I can get that in capsule form. It just mean more heat in the Summer.

I protest! No more heat! It's too fucking hot anyway! Shit it's not even Spring yet and it's already getting hot! I'd blame global warming and El Nino, but I'd rather blame a human. I feel better about myself if I do that. It's not mother natures fault we fucked her up and sent her to a mental institution for huffing all of the shit we forced down her throat.

I have been seriously pondering whether a woman would actually willingly date me. Particularly after they read what I write on here. I can come across as a potential psychopath. Hell, my parents think I am a communist because I have a distinct and utter dislike for money. Even when I am searching for jobs that pay me more, I still do not like money. I'd probably be happiest being somewhat self sufficient. That will never be though. I'm a prima donna.

I have recently bought myself a leatherbound notebook type thing. I will be starting to actually pen a novel. It's something I have always wanted to do. It will never get published and will probably be a complete source of embarrassment, but I don't have too many goals in life. This is one of them, so I'm gonna take a shot at it. It will be amusing to see how far I will get. When I get writers block, I get it pretty bad. More like "writer's great big ass fucking wall of China".

Thanks to the three people that said good luck to me for my job interview, I actually got it. It's amazing. The Academy Award goes to you. I didn't really believe I would get it, and the little bit of extra confidence you provided pushed me over the line. Thanks. You guys are fucking awesome.

Now enough of this sappy shit. I'm gonna go watch Zatoichi and eat chocolate.

Tags: new job - fart jokes - money - communist - daylight savings - annoyances - girlfriend - writing - friends

So....

2006-08-22T08:48:00.000+10:00

I got that job

More to come on this later!

Tags: job - work - new stuff - woohoo

Milk and Two, Thanks

2006-08-20T23:25:00.000+10:00

I make myself tea. Loose leaf pots of tea. People that I know think I am weird. Why don't I just use a tea bag, like normal people. I suppose I like to be different, even though the end result generally tastes the same.

Whilst watching CSI this evening I had an epiphany of sorts. Why do they play driving drum beats and electronica when they are slicing up a corpse? Is it time to rave when a corpse that has met some form of gruesome death is making love to a scalpel? This bugged me for the whole episode. Weird existential dance music and fondling of brain matter surely are not a recommended mix? Or perhaps they are. Maybe it has something to do with why the show is extremely popular. I don't know. I suppose I should be happy they aren't playing "Song of Joy". That would REALLY bug me.

My room is littered with chocolate wrappers and coffee cups. I should get around to actually cleaning it one day, however the lure of watching TV and playing guitar is too great and always pulls me away from doing manual labour. I suspect weird and exotic insects will soon inhabit my room, feeding on the dry coffee remains and festering residual chocolate. They will then inhabit my body, giving me some sort of super power and I will dominate the world. That's my wish. More than likely, these exotic creatures will kill me, liquefy my innards, and feed on me. I will then be taken into CSI, and in some horrible and ironic twist of fate, the practitioners will dance around my corpse whilst Dr Alban's "Sing Hallelujah" is playing. This is how I envision my demise. Not going out in a blaze of unforgettable glory, but ending up on a cold metal slab, being prodded and sliced whilst dance music is playing in the background.

It's funny how things come full circle.

Tags: tea - weird - CSI - death - dancing - irritations - karma

Demographics

2006-08-17T21:37:00.000+10:00

I had that job interview today. It went well. At least i thought so. But the guys interviewing me could have been thinking:

"I'm not letting that fucking psychopath anywhere near me. He's got serious fucking issues man. What was that shit about babboon sex about?"

Anyway. I thought it went well. So i am happy with me.

People in the city don't look where they are walking. I think that i saw eight potential fatalities today. The red man means do not walk. It does not mean, "Let's play chicken with a bus". I assure you, the bus is going to win that game everytime. There is such a high proportion of absolute dildos walking around, i find it hard to fathom how they managed to get free from the sex shop enclave. It baffles me.

Randy chihuahuas are the funniest thing ever.

Tags: interview - job hunting - city - city fuckwits - funny - chihuahua - youtube

The Inevitable Post Secret Entry

2006-08-16T21:53:00.000+10:00

Lately I have had a lot of things on my mind. Not in the "is the world going to end tomorrow" type of things. That would probably be normal.

I suppose I am attracted to someone. Yes another person. Perhaps I am just mentally not with it. Particularly in this case I am not. She has a boyfriend. So I at least know my boundaries with this situation and I am happy I do. Boundaries are good in some instances, and this is one of them.

Still, I daydream, and it's pointless. I have been listening to too much Martin Grech, and this is what it does to me.

Oh well, I suppose it's good to get it off my chest, even though I feel it accomplishes nothing. Is it so wrong to want to fuck someone who is already in a relationship? Hrmm, when you actually read that and not just think it, I suppose it appears wrong. Still, I enjoy denial, and so it's right, even if it is really wrong.

I get the feeling I am going to grow up into one of those seedy old men who flirts with anything that has a heartbeat because he just doesn't give a fuck about any moral decency anymore. Funnily enough, that's not what I wanted. I just wanted to grow old, live my youth in the city, have fun, get drunk, play in a band, release shitty albums that never get sold, then have enough money to retire to some farm and make wine and ride a horse. That dream just gets more distant with every passing day.

I feel I am becoming a corporate whore. I hate that. I hate the people who frequent the bars after their working day in their suits and talk bullshit and try to hit on any woman within arms distance of them. I hate listening to their conceited opinions on themselves and how they think women should behave. I hate that I may possibly end up being one of these fuckwits without even realising it.

I hate that one day I am going to look back on my life, and all I will have is regret and not a sense of accomplishment or a sense that my time on this planet actually meant something to someone.

Most of all, I hate that I occupy myself with stupid, destructive habits to escape loneliness.

Tags: philanderer - man whore - dreams - depression - self-destruction - loneliness - hate - postsecret

It's Snowing!

2006-08-15T22:06:00.000+10:00

What Sydney would look like if we were to get snow...

Unfortunately, it was only a hail storm. It looks so pretty though.

Tags: Sydney - hailstorm - snow - winter - beautiful

A Life Less Ordinary

2006-08-14T16:14:00.000+10:00

It's starting to get warmer. I hate the heat. Hate it with the burning passion of a thousand suns. Which is ironic, considering the sun is the cause for all this heat.

The impending summer leaves me with little hope. If i get this new job, i may have to travel around the state. To areas that are hot. I will go without the lovely air conditioning that i currently enjoy. My vehicle will resemble a blast furnace, as the a/c is dodgy. It does not bode well. Most people travel to places to enjoy the summer. I would be the opposite. I'd spend winter in Australia, and once the coler months are over and summer comes around, i'd go to Canada to live in winter again. That would be ideal, however, i dont live in an ideal world. So i have to make do with the satanic temperatures.

This weekend i got trashed. Praise be to whoever for inventing alcohol. Without it, my weekend would have been as boring as bat faeces. And we all know how boring the faecal matter of bats is. However, my weekend did not involve faeces or winged creatures. It involved alcohol, BBQ, laughing and a random pash.

I am in complete amazement at getting a random pash. Mainly because i look like a cave troll. Perhaps my presence produces so much fear at the inhabitants of the pub, that they feel obligated to pash me so that my mighty wrath is not unleashed. It is clear that i am no superhunk. I am also far from charming. I may even be a bogan. Aren't bogans in these days?

When i was young, i would secretly wish i would grow up to be like Ogre from "Revenge Of The Nerds".

Ogre! Ogre! Ogre!

PS - Buy me this because you love me.

Tags: summer - winter - cave troll - movies - characters - drunk - pash - stuff i want

Pass The Dutchie

2006-08-11T15:57:00.000+10:00

I have a job interview next week. Thursday. It will be interesting mainly because of the type of client i may be working for. But it is all quite hush at the moment. I am suspecting the role will be for about 80K a year. Hopefully it will also include a company vehicle, but i wont be betting any money on that at the moment. Needless to say, i am somewhat excited about the prospects of leaving this hellhole.

I have been obsessing over Ebay recently. I think i may buy a Nintendo DS. I want to turn it into all sorts of weird and wonderful things that will make me happy. It does so much stuff. I may ask one out on a date. Yes, i am going to ask a hand-held console out on a date. That sounds vaguely like me asking my penis out on a date. Because i am somewhat of a nerd, i will now start calling my penis a "hand-held console". This will greatly amuse me. I hope it also amuses you.

This evening i will be getting drunk. Plenty drunk. I will go to the pub, spend whatever i have left in my bank account, and hopefully, get thrown out, or find some girl to randomly pash. I know who i'd rather randomly pash, but that is quite impossible.

I now have "Pass The Dutchie" as my ringtone. Everytime i hear it i can't stop laughing.

Tags: job hunting - money - Nintendo - penis - stupid - bad Jamaican music - ringtones - alcohol - pashing

A Surly End

2006-08-08T12:54:00.000+10:00

Having asked for quotes from several major contractors over the last couple of days, the exercise has started to irritate me. Must all the labotomised twits that i speak to be so utterly incoherent that it borders on the frustration a woman must feel when a man prematurely ejaculates.

Woman:It's ok honey. It happens
Man:*sobbing*

I am the woman. Placating my mans ego when the sheer frustration of the exercise has left me unsatisfied. My contractor is the man, boastful about his sexual prowess, but when it comes to the crunch, cannot perform. Leaving me with a sobbing wreck of a human being and, ultimately, more frustrated.

This all has the potential for backfire. Perhaps it's me? Perhaps i do not explain my needs well. Perhaps i am not an attractive enough proposition. I will then cower into insignificance and start to blame myself for the calamity i have put my significant other in. Then, as if Cthulhu himself has shone a light on my brain, i snap out of it.

No, this is not my fault. My man should have watched enough porno (technical manuals) in his life to know what to do. This is his fault. I will not accept the blame for his lack of proficiency in the boudoir. I will dump the snivelling worm, and find myself a satisfying Lothario.

This is how i feel when i talk to contractors, disturbing as it may seem.

Tags: work - sex - incompetence - analogies - contractors - buffoons

Huzzah! She's Axed!

2006-08-06T23:40:00.000+10:00

Why?

Because as discussed in previous post, Yasmin should be axed. And guess what happened?

Yasmin's axed.

Channel Ten's excuse is the following:

Ten's chief programming officer David Mott said: "While we all had very high hopes for Yasmin's Getting Married, it is clear at this early stage that our audience has not embraced this bold new initiative.

"We have therefore elected to cease production on the Screentime-produced reality program and move on."

Yes. You read that right. Channel Ten is blaming the viewer. The audience did not embrace the show. Here's a hint, David Mott. The show was fucking shite. From beginning to end. Don't blame society at large for your weak attempts at keeping an audience. Futurama is a far better alternative than that pathetic tripe you paraded.

Bold new initiative? How is this a bold new initiative. Finding a woman a husband on national television is not a bold new initiative. It is fucking stupid. Not to mention humiliating for her, particularly now, seeing as shes been axed after 1 week of a 9 week installation.

Spell it with me! S-T-U-P-I-D.

Tags: Yasmin's Getting Married - Axed - Bad TV - Channel Ten - Stupid - Humiliating - David Mott

Oh. By The Way

2006-08-05T23:58:00.000+10:00

New layout.

Just in case you hadn't noticed. This one should be much easier to read.

That's all i have for today.

Tags: blog - layout - new - creativity

Fucken Yuck Dude

2006-08-03T20:51:00.000+10:00

Honestly, the next time i see a grown man, walk on the street with sandals on i will cut their feet off.

Why?

Because this evening, a guy who thought he was being stylish with his cool shirt and jeans and jesus sandals on was walking down the street. I happened to gaze at his feet, and he had THE LONGEST FUCKEN TOENAILS i have ever seen. And they were yellow. And his pinky toes nail was black.

If you are going to walk around in public like that, groom yourself you filthy fucken heathen. Don't expose me to your fucken orc feet. Don't make me endure the anguish that whatever is growing on your foot, may release its spores and infect my chest cavity and kill me.

I do not want your funky foot disease. I do not want to see your hideous feet.

Fuck me i've lost any speck of appetite for food i had today.

It's just... bleeecccchhhhh

Tags: gross - grooming - sandals - feet - yuck - disease

Yasmin's Getting Married

2006-07-31T12:29:00.000+10:00

Yasmin is apparently getting married. I do not know Yasmin. I do not care about Yasmin. But Channel Ten want me to know that she is getting married.

Yes dear readers, Yasmin, is trying to find a husband on national television. She has 9 weeks to sort through all the deviants and mutants to find a husband suitable for her tastes. No doubt this man must be perfect. A chiselled phsyique. Model looks. A high paying job. The ability to look after every fanciful whimsy. I just assume these are the qualities she will want in her man. Considering she can't find a man the normal way, i suspect she may be batting well above her average, hence she has to find a man through television.

Perhaps Yasmin has a sordid dark secret. One, that when she tells her non-tv man, he runs out the door screaming in terror. Shrunken heads, bathing in the blood of the non-believers, slicing chicken heads and sleeping with the headless carcasses. You never know what Yasmin does in her spare time. Things in her personal life probably contribute to her not having a man. Maybe she should be a lesbian?

I want to know if Channel Ten will be following up on her married life afterwards. Will we be seeing shows like:

Yasmin's Signing A Pre-Nup
Yasmin's A Chronic Alcoholic
Yasmin's Holding A Swingers Party
Yasmin's Husband Has Fallen Down The Stairs
Yasmin's Convincing The Police She Is Not Having A Domestic Disturbance
Yasmin's Husband Is Rushed To The Emergency Ward After She Turns Out To Be A Serial Killer
Yasmin's Getting Divorced And Sent To Prison For A Very Long Time

There are so many fantastic possibilities with this new format. I cannot wait for it to start! Hopefully, after a week or so, Yasmin's getting axed.

I hate "reality tv".

Tags: TV - Yasmin's Getting Married - Reality TV - Channel 10 - Bad TV - Yasmin - Stupidity

Midday Sunday, And I'm Feelin Fine

2006-07-30T14:21:00.000+10:00

When people decide to come over first thing in the morning on a Sunday, it really shits me. I am halfway through eating breakfast and watching a Simpsons Sunday marathon, and it all gets ruined by guests.

Who decides that it would be a good idea to come over early on Sunday morning? I like to sleep in. Do nothing. Perhaps go out at lunch and get some coffee and a sandwich. Read a book. Guests are not on my agenda. The problem is, i have to make them feel welcome, otherwise i am branded an asshole by all parties concerned.

They leave at midday, which effectively ruins my lunching as well. I like to have a shower around that time. Prepare myself so that when i step out that front door i dont like like a smack addict, and be on my way for the days adventures. So now my Sunday is all out of order, which in turn, leads me to bitching about it on here.

Anyway, enough of that irritation. I just have to learn people are irritating, and the less contact i have with them, the better i will be. Unless, of course, we are friends. Cause then i have all the time in the world for you.

This week iw ill be going to a job interview type thing with an agency. We will sit down and have coffee and lunch and discuss where my pathetic career will be leading me. Hopefully it will be leading me far away from where i am at the moment. I am actually looking forward to going to this interview. Not because it is an interview for a new job etc. But because it is in the city and i will be able to go and get some Haighs chocolate frogs.

Yes, chocolate is far more important than any job i can think of. If it werent for chocolate, i would not be who i am today. A sugar craving, rageaholic, insomniac with a penchant for pulling the wings off of flies. Sure my therapist thinks i should be in a maximum security psychiatric hospital and have electroshock therapy performed on me on a daily basis, but i made sure she wouldnt be making that recommendation anytime soon...

PS - For all you PC morons and people who have no idea what the word sarcasm means, the above is in no way even remotely close to the truth. So if the Feds come knocking on my door, you will look like a tool for wasting their time.

Tags: unwanted guests - Sunday - chocolate - insanity - sugar fix - Haighs - sarcasm

I Don't Know Why

2006-07-26T22:14:00.000+10:00

But everyone i have encountered over the last week has just been a fucking cunt. Sorry about the profanity, but that's the only way i can put it.

I'm pissed off.
I've had enough.

People need to stop being wankers and see the bigger picture.

Fuck this fucken shit.

Tags: i hate fucken cuntish assholes

Where's The Any Key?

2006-07-20T14:52:00.000+10:00

How i manage to wake up every morning and pull myself out of bed is beyond me.

i go to sleep at ridiculous hours. The upside of this is that i spend time emailing or talking to people i enjoy talking to. The downside of this is that i am too comatose in the morning to establish normal brain functions before midday. This is now routine though. Going to bed early does not exist. I am officially a night owl. Only i work during the day and survive on minimal sleep. One day, this lack of sleep will cause me to do something stupid. It may possibly cause me to risk my life.

I have been researching jobs in the US. Building Super jobs. I think i would be able to do it. Go and be a building super in Manhattan. It reminds me of the guy from Becker. The annoying twerp. I could be that guy. Actually i think i am more like Becker. I care, but i hate most people. It's a shame im not a doctor. I'd be a great cranky old bastard doctor. Those guys rule.

I think i may buy the 1st, 2nd and 3rd seasons of Scrubs this weekend. I will have a Scrubs marathon. Popcorn, Coke, Couch. I would love it if i could live my whole life that way. Unfortunately i would eventually suffer from hyper-obesity.

Hyper-obesity. Homer intentionally became obese so he could work from home, where he became more productive. I wonder if that would work for me. Not likely, i have to get up and walk occasionally.

Oh well, i will now add "hyper-obesity" to the "Things I Can't Have" list.

Tags: blah - New York - TV - Becker - Scrubs - DVD - Homer - wacky schemes

So, It's Gonna Be Like That?

2006-07-17T15:02:00.000+10:00

Monday. The start of another working week. Menial tasks. Lunchtime cigarettes. All day coffee.

This weekend I have been incessantly been called by a private number. I think I know who it is, and I would speak to them, but I don’t answer private calls. They could be from some homicidal ex with a sharp implement in her hands. It’s not my idea of fun.

It has been quite boring today. I have not stepped outside the office because it is too cold. The boredom is irritating. Not unlike the irritating chaffing of ill-fitting underwear. I have been contemplating going commando on occasion. However, no one wants to see a mishap occur, and I don’t particularly want to get fired by my Singaporean overlords if that does indeed happen. They are a tad conservative which forces me to also be conservative. I suppose you have to be conservative in multinational companies. Adhering to the cult mentality is a necessity which cant be avoided. I am just another mindless drone in this factory of the damned.

It doesn’t particularly work for me, which I suppose is why I prefer to work on my own, that way I can be totally insane and start talking to myself and plotting the downfall of society. Either that or be like one of those bored business types who play putting games in their offices.

Or perhaps have an affair with the hot secretary only to find out her husband is an ex-commando who enjoys inflicting various levels of pain onto the hapless sod.

Or get drunk at the Christmas party and manage to get naked in front of the CEO while he is drinking his Martini and elegantly eating canapés.

There are so many scenarios. So many possible ways to commence my demise into the bottom rung of society. It excites me.

Tags: boredom work quitting job hunting getting fired insanity

Job Hunter

2006-07-14T17:32:00.000+10:00

Work has stretched me to far i think.

So, i have started looking for new jobs. This in itself would be easy, if it weren't for recruiters. The obscure garbage they put in their job ads is enough to make me want to commit heinous crimes.

For instance, "We require a can do attitude".

What the fuck is a can do attitude?

Am i willing to kill a man? Can do!
Am i willing to father a child to an unknown homeless cat lady? Can do!

Seriously, get a fucking clue. I don't need your vague clueless corporate speak. I know what i am capable of and i know what i am not capable of. So just specify exactly what you fucking want, or re-type the ad! I don't have time for this bullshit mumbo jumbo.

This evening i am going to dinner for a steak. Possibly a whole bottle of red wine to go along with it. I will be going alone as i am too friendless for company and too ugly for a date. I don't mind this because i don't want the inane banter of a clueless twit. I have observed the women in this city for a while, and, bar a few women who are nice and reasonable, the majority have a carrot called vanity shoved way too far up their butts. I find that if i am not stimulated mentally, then there is no hope for me to even bother trying to get along with you.

Your nice and all, but get your vapid, botoxed ass away from me.

I need a spliff and half a bottle of Absolut to even come close to being calm enough to talk to half the people i encounter in this city.

Perhaps i should go with the flow or something. I'm a Sagittarian, isn't that cross-breed between a horse and man who has a penchant for archery supposed to be calm?

Christ, what animal porn were these guys watching when they thought up this star sign?

Tags: anger - work - looking for work - women - Sydney - dating - astrology

Why I Love Work

2006-07-12T15:25:00.000+10:00

Because it's not often that you are doing your job, when you get asked by a woman to pull her boyfriend out of a cab because he is too drunk, only to find out when your halfway through pulling him out, he is not drunk.

He is wired to the hilt on crystal meth and is ready to come to blows.

Later that evening the ambulance came for what i can only suspect was to put him in the back and take him to hospital, or treat his girlfriend for domestic violence.

Tags: violence - drugs - work - domestic violence - idiots

Zizou

2006-07-10T21:24:00.000+10:00

Ok. I'm pissed.

Pissed that the Italians won the World Cup. Pissed that the greatest player of a generation was sent off in his final match in a World Cup final. Pissed that it went to penalties. Pissed that it caused that much traffic i spent 2 hours of wasted petrol getting into work.

I can accept the score, because eh, that's football. I just want to know what Materazzi said to Zidane to cause him to headbutt him in the chest. But i suppose everyone wants to know that. I hope it wasn't anything racist. We will probably never know, but i just hope it wasn't that.

*sigh* He's like one of my heroes and to see him go out like that is just depressing. It's ok i suppose. I got to see one of the greatest football players that ever lived. I hate all sports, but football, i grew up playing it, watching it etc. It's the only sport that actually means something to me. I watched it with my dad. It brings back good memories.

I dunno. I suppose all i have are highlights now. Much like a lot of things in my life these days.

Thankyou for the memories Zizou.

Tags: Zizou - Zidane - Materazzi - France - Italy - World Cup - Football

Bah. You Suck.

2006-07-04T13:19:00.000+10:00

It costs me $80 a week to fill my piece of crap up with petrol. I wouldn't care so much, except i want to buy a book about Bob Dylan and this is cutting into my capabilities to do that. Oh well, i'll find a way to do that, even if i have to continually beat my credit card until it seeks an AVO.

The days are becoming harder to endure. Sometimes (well, most times) i wake up in the morning dreading getting out of bed. My lack of motivation to do anything other than nothing is waning. I have persisted in going to the gym though. It's probably the only time that i actually get to myself. I still havent managed to quit smoking. I bought a pack of cigarettes from the service station the other day. For every purchase over $5 i get 4 cents a litre off my fuel bill. I get a discount for slowly killing myself. How amusing.

The girl at the front desk always looks at me oddly. Perhaps its the glasses. Perhaps she thinks i'm some seedy individual who is secretly obsessed with her. Either way, it's irritating. She will be gone though as it's only a temporary position until we sack her, or her mother as she also works for us. Both are as annoying as feral cats. They both laugh as if they are trying to cough up a monkey and they are as false as my version of the Mona Lisa.

I hate it when time just slips away.

Tags: boredom - cigarettes - life - people - annoyances

Blah

2006-06-28T23:05:00.000+10:00

I'm pretty much over, well, everything.

Tonight i lave laid down on the floor of my bedroom all evening listening to Sigur Ros, Zero 7 and Pink Floyd.

Things get more fascinating with every second that passes.

Fuck.

Tags: fuck - music - bored - depressed

What A Waste

2006-06-28T11:39:00.000+10:00

I hate doing secretarial work. It has to be done and i know its necessary, but it's menial and i have bigger fish to fry. Today, i am paying invoices and laminating signage. It's boring. It's something i would rather not do. Not that i am above doing that work, because i know that contractors have to get paid and signs need to be put up, but because it's boring. I hate paperwork. It is shit.

Not to mention Spain's abysmal effort in their game against France this morning. How can a team full of superstars be so pathetic in a game they should have dominated. They are a constant disappointment. Why i continue to support their sorry asses is beyond me. It was just atrocious and pathetic. There was no spirit, no guts and no determination to even win the game. The whole team should be sacked and paraded around a public square to be spat on and then have their testicles removed, they have no need for them. Pathetic bunch of fucking losers.

I recall a time when computers were supposed to create a paperless office, now i use more paper than i know what to do with. Emails have to be printed. Invoices have to be faxed. All the while i think of the poor helpless Amazon which i am slowly killing due to my employers ineptitude. I wanted a USB Flash Drive, it would cost them $100 at the most, it has to be approved by 3 different managers. It has taken them 2 months to get a notepad sent to me. Pens are a scarce commodity for this company. Yet i am still here, dealing with this "too many cooks" scenario. It is farcical. The other day i received an email from one of the rich men (ie: General managers) telling me that he would be making other people richer. Possibly because they give him oral pleasure, i'm not too sure. I don't care though, it is an old boys club and i'm not on the members list.

So, today i have made the decision to give them the ultimatum that if they continue to require my services, they will need to bring forth the riches, or i will be looking for greener pastures elsewhere. I suspect that this will either anger them, or kick them into actually doing something about the current situation. I have worked for a couple of large companies. This one has serious issues that need to be resolved. Perhaps i should start fellating the elder statesmen in this organisation. That way i may get where i want to go. I should at least give them the option.

I wonder, can men actually fuck there way to the top?

Tags: man whore - work - grievances - idiocy - fellatio - World Cup - Spain